No Wedding No Womb: An Open Letter to My One-Year Old Son and All Black Baby Boys Who Will Inevitably Grow Up

Dear Son,

Do you know that you are handsome, brilliant and powerful beyond measure?  My dream for you is that you will grow to possess incontrovertible knowledge of your beauty, intelligence and infinite potential.  I pray that you will come to see your dark skin and your coily crown as the physical manifestations of your ties to the proud and resilient African Diaspora.  Most of all, I hope that you will love yourself and in loving yourself you will love and be good to all others, including black women and girls.

My love, I am writing to you because I’ve felt sickened by the actions of hatred perpetrated by some black men and boys against black women and girls.  The obvious crimes against humanity in Dunbar and Cleveland left me asking whether the male perpetrators were monsters or men.  But this brewing hatred or lack of love for black women also manifests in more subtle and seemingly innocuous ways.  

Certain successful hip hop artists are producing the soundtrack for misogyny as they reduce black women to mere sexual objects despite the fact that they are intimately aware of black women as mothers, sisters, teachers, care-takers, professionals and friends as well as lovers.  Some of black America’s most prominent men in media consistently glorify non-black women and women who look non-black, excluding women with the hues and hair textures of their own mothers from the images they’ve employed to represent beauty.  Meanwhile, it has become almost commonplace for some black men to regard black women as unworthy of what sister Carmen calls “the most basic contemporary sexual decency of wearing a condom” and certainly undeserving of commitment, before God and men, to love and cherish a woman until death.

I am under no illusions.  I sincerely believe the Dunbar black men who brutally gang-raped a 35 year-old black mother, forced her to have sex with her own son, and poured alcohol, nail polish remover, and ammonia on the her to destroy evidence were once lovely giggling babies like you.  The eighteen black teen boys and men who violently gang raped an 11 year-old brown girl in Cleveland once lovingly nestled in their mothers’ bosoms for both nutrients and nurturing.  

The hip hop artists who religiously rap about black women as bitches and hoes deserving nothing but sexual domination were once toddlers and their first words for black women were mama and nana.  The now wealthy media moguls who believe that only mixed-race black women or non-black women deserve to be images of desirability once looked up adoringly at their dark mothers' faces.  Finally, the black men who have five children by five baby mamas but have never once desired to make any of those black women their lawfully wedded wives were once loyal like you.  They cried every weekday morning pleading for their black mothers not to go to work because no nanny or baby sitter’s care could replace their mother’s love.

My darling baby boy, I don’t know what happens in between infancy and adolescence that has caused certain black men who were once loving black baby boys like you to turn against women who look like their own mothers.  I don’t know what childhood occurrence distinguishes those black men from the many black men like your father and uncles who choose to honor and respect all black women and to love, cherish, marry and procreate with only one. Could it be that certain black men are so myopic in vision that their love and loyalty can only extend to women who literally share 50% of the same genes as them?  Could it be that those black men are so short-sighted that they do not see how their own actions feed a culture of hatred, lack of respect and lack of love towards their own mothers, sisters, and daughters.  Could it be that those black men lack such love and respect generally that they have none to give?

I will always love you, respect you, protect you, fight for you and be the biggest fan of your existence.  In my eyes, you are and will always be a magical miracle from the Almighty.  I pray that in truly knowing that you are a miracle you will not feel in any shape or form tempted to prove your self-worth or manhood by harming others, especially women and girls.  I pray that in knowing your own beauty that you will never exclude women who look like you from your images of desirability.  Finally, I pray that in recognizing that you are worthy of being cherished and loved for as long as you live that you will commit to cherishing and loving someone, particularly the woman who bears your child. 

Love,

Mommy

Ama Yawson is an attorney in New York City.  She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and son. She can be contacted at amakyawson@gmail.com.

Monogamy...And You?

Monogamy sure sounds like a four letter word these days, am I right? With the latest celebrity separations and divorces (I’m looking at you, Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez), it’s beginning to seem that way more and more. I mean, come on, it makes you wonder if its really worth being monogamous if it just ends up discarded like a used tissue on the floor. 

 

The word monogamy seems deader than Latin, especially among younger couples. And that is due to a lack of communication these days in relationships. Most of the time one partner says that the two of them have agreed to stay faithful to each other, while their other half claims that no such agreement existed. It’s another case of the he said, she said scenario.

Where we are honest in our intentions and idea of monogamy, most are dishonest in their actions, and, well, we can use the excuse that we’re only human here I suppose—maybe. It begs the question though: do some people need more than one partner in order to be satisfied, or are people, as a whole, just duped into believe that we are supposed to be with only one person?

Love And The Black Woman wants to here your thoughts on the “idea” of monogamy. Do you think it exists, or is it just a lie we’re told about from the moment we start having relationships?

Let your voice be heard, readers!

 

Stepping Into An Open Mind, To Unknown Hearts

“Tamika Miller knows what she wants in a husband.

Her Mr. Right would be ambitious and driven, well-mannered and polite, smart, attractive, faithful and, of course, ready for family life.”

-       Lolly Bowean

Love and The Black Woman readers! You may remember a few weeks ago we had a write up pertaining to how online dating is just not into black people—more notably black women—but according to Lolly Bowean, the times they are a changing!

Yes, I know, being a single black woman carries some staggeringly bleak statistics that can make the most optimistic person shake their head in resignation. Now is not the time to give up. It’s time to adapt.

In the Chicago Tribune’s article African-American Singles Change Their Approach to Dating, Bowean writes, “a different conversation is emerging in the black community. Rather than fixate on the bleak statistics, some have started working to bring singles together in ways once considered taboo by many African-Americans.”

Young men and women are starting to step out of their comfort zones, to the unknown, and trying things a bit differently. One specific means of doing so: the Internet.

Bowen continues, “They are orchestrating matches on Twitter and Facebook. Some are hosting meet-ups and living-room gatherings for black singles to mix and mingle. Others are luring singles into their lounges for candid conversations about how to date and how to find true love.”

By opening up to such outlets in order to meet people, this newly found open-mindedness is allowing them to be honest with their hearts and understand more of what they want in a relationship. And isn’t that all we really want, to be real?

Love and the Black Woman applaud all those willing to try something new in the name of honesty, love, and companionship. Take your chance. Live outside your comfort zone. Love!

The Weigh In, Week 6

For this week’s The Weigh In, I’m taking the topic of last week’s “Love and the Double Standard” and pushing the envelope a little further here. I know all you readers out there are thinking it, and I know I was too, but I was a little hesitant to post it right up. So instead of just dipping my toe in I’m jumping right into the pool!

Tonight I’m posting some select quotes from other blogs and articles that delve into the double standards of sex and even cheating. I know you’ll be tantalized to read even further so make sure to click on the links to read on further on their respective blogs. Also make sure to comment, cause you know how Love and The Black Woman loves to hear what’s on your mind, so shout it out! Let us know your thoughts on love and sex, a man’s ‘vertical cred,’ and your thoughts on cheating!

Evan Marc Katz talks about the double standard men and women have when finding the right time to jump into a sexual relationship, if it’s too quick or not. Here’s what he has to say:

“This question is a popular one because it comes up all the time. However, there’s no answer, no timetable, no magic bullet that is going to let women know that it’s the right time to have sex. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. Which is perfectly fair. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Hold it out like a carrot for a horse and you’re missing the entire point.” – from Dating and The Double Standard.

Obsidian, writer from the online magazine The Spearhead, wags a finger at women saying that men aren’t the only ones engage in double standards. According to Obsidian, women objectify MORE than men:

“This is a fact, easily proofed by the most casual of observations. How? Simple: height. Women make no bones about not wanting to date a man their own or shorter height. Take a quick spin around the Internet; there you will see Women being quite flippant, and others downright adamant, about rejecting out of hand a Man’s lack of vertical cred. Of course, many of these very same Women will call any Man who judges a Woman’s objective beauty scale to be “objectifying” and the like, and notice, have you ever heard Men en masse deny this? Even more to the point, isn’t it true that Men settle much quicker than do Women, all things being equal?”

And finally: the CHEATING double standard. From the The Honestly Speaking Blog:

“The double standard: Why is that when men cheat the woman almost 90% of the time forgives him and takes him back, but even if the man suspects that she has cheated its curtains for her with no return? I have polled the audience and for some reason men are not able to accept their female in the arms of another man. However they are so quick to jump into bed with another woman who is not their girlfriend/wife. Are women just more forgiving? Or are women just more desperate and don't think there is anything better out there than what they have? So as I was talking to my friend I did let him in on a little secret. The secret is the following if a woman has caught her man cheating there is a HIGH chance that she has now welcomed into her life an equivalent. Now women don’t always cheat physically, but even if she’s entertaining a gentleman for dinner and a movie, that is cheating if she is in a relationship.”

Love and The Black Woman urges you to read on and educate yourself more on the subject of double standards in relationship. We loaded up this week’s The Weigh In with beefed up quotes because we want to get you thinking and get you speaking!

 

Hey all you ladies and gents out there! It's Ms. Loveessence coming in to give her two cents worth of input regarding your (potential) man and his job.

Ladies, do you really want to be happy? 

 

When you decide that you really want to be happy, then the next logical question becomes: what will make you happy?

 

Would a guy who has a prestigious career in medicine, law, business, entertainment, or sports necessarily make you happy? I think that answer is a resounding NO.

 

A  man who has money and high social-standing may allow you to enjoy certain luxuries and allow you to feel a certain degree of gratification when you discuss him with others, but those types of experiences are NOT the true sources of happiness.

 

On the other hand, a man who works at Starbucks may provide you with the kind words, emotional support, passionate love-making, patient understanding, intriguing conversations and other experiences that will really enrich your life even more than a padded bank account.

 

It's not the job, ladies. Let's judge a man by the type of love he can give us and not by the title that hangs from his office door, or his name tag.

Love and The Double Standard

"Mocha-what?"

Let’s be real here, there are double standards in relationships that we don't like to admit.  Many people in society applaud a man who dates a gorgeous woman who is "finding herself" while they deride a woman who dates a handsome man who is unemployed.

Recently Love and the Black Woman came across an article at the Very Smart Brothas online magazine, discussing the Clutch Magazine piece “But He Works at Starbucks!”
 I’m sure you can figure out what they’re talking about. It’s a gender-based double standard that creeps into every relationship: your significant other’s J.O.B.

God forbid the man doesn’t hold such a reputable position (in Clutch Magazines example, her new “boo” worked at Starbucks). Once the man revealed his occupation he was written off almost instantly—and more important, unfairly.

Such closed-mindedness can lead to a sinking apprehension when choosing a mate. Sure he’s not working at some high class law firm or advertising agency, rolling in dough, and spending the weekends driving around Beverly Hills in his Bentley, but at least he is engaging in honest work.

Women seem to be preoccupied with a man's occupation, and higher salaried jobs make men suddenly appear sexier. Is this obsession unwarranted?  Does it lead women to miss out on wonderful opportunities of love? Are there 58-year-old cat worshipers who could avoided such a sad fate had they only been more open minded when it comes to occupations?

Men on the other hand, tend to be less concerned with a woman's career. They may focus on features more--albeit shallow--but they don’t shoot down and wield an apprehension towards “Entry-Levelers” (a psuedonym for people who have less “prestigious” positions).

Our view is that the occupation is not that important in the grand scheme of things. If a man or woman treats you well and there is parity in other ways, and understanding, then the love is worth working on, not just brushing it to the side letting it whither.

What we want to know is whether you have you ever stopped yourself from taking that next relationship step because of the job that they hold down. It could be any position, no position, or an illegal hustle. We just want to hear your story of finding or rejecting love based on occupation.

The Weigh In, Week Five

I split this week’s The Weigh In into two parts. One focuses on the medium of Internet dating and the second focuses on the “Digital Segregation.” Read on and make sure to follow the links to read up more on their respective sites.

On “Digital Segregation”:

“But as acceptable as online dating and inter-racial dating have ostensibly become, those looking for love are still sticking with those who look like them. U.S. Census data from 2000 shows that black-white couples make up just 1% of American marriages. Most frequent inter-racial couplings? Black hubby and white wife. And even black subscribers preferred black partners. Although they were ten times as likely to contact whites as whites were to contact blacks, overall, blacks sent online inquiries to people of their own race more often. Why are blacks more willing to take a chance on white folk? Mendelsohn speculates that blacks are simply acting like minority populations of any kind, trying to meld into the dominant structure. One of the best ways to do that, he contends, is through intermarriage.” Bonnie Rochman, from the article Love Isn’t Color Blind: White Online Daters Spurn Blacks, TIME.

In response to TIME’s article, Very Smart Brothas came up with three reasons why online dating really isn’t into black people:

1.Black people just aren’t into online dating either.

2. It’s not about online dating just not being that into black people much as it’s online dating just not being that into the type of black person who’d make this decision.

3. The type of people (black and other) interested in virtual dating and in actually meeting black people might not be found on the sites cited by these studies.

On Internet dating as a whole, Askpapi from Hello Beautiful muses about signing up for dating sites believing he shouldn’t leave his dating life in the hands of a mouse and keyboard:

“While I did make fun of my friend, I do acknowledge that finding a good woman isn’t as easy as many of you may think. I’m sure it isn’t as hard as you women have finding a good man, but it isn’t a walk in the park for us either. So, I guess none of you should be surprised if you ever see me write about how I joined Match.com. It may not be now, but it could possibly happen in the future. But it will only happen if I’m exhausted of the dating scene. I can say I’m not far from reaching that point, but I’m 100 percent sure I’m also not ready to leave my dating life to a 15-inch screen, a keyboard, and a mouse.”


Watch this video by Pinnk from Women Dating Black Men. Is his expounding just empty rhetoric or does he have a point about online dating and black women?

In defense of online dating, check out Amanda VanAllen’s Black Women Turn To Online Dating To Find Love (NYU Livewire).


Here she writes about Philadelphia Daily News columnist’s Jenice Armstrong’s experience with online dating, which garnered great results:



“Within a month of returning to Match.com, she received a message from Cameron Turner. He seemed to fit her criteria of a guy who could “teach a child to read one day and go scuba diving the next.”


“He just stood out,” Armstrong said. “I knew. I just knew. I mean, who goes online, puts up a profile and finds the perfect guy? We are coming up on five years now, and I still gush when I see him.”


He proposed in front of the statue of David while they were on an Italian vacation less than a year later.


She believes they only could have met online: they were unlikely to cross paths, since she lived in Philadelphia, and he in New Jersey.


“My husband does not go out to nightclubs or parties,” Armstrong said. “He’s the kind of guy who goes home and cuts his grass. I never would have met him otherwise.”


Although there are plenty of stories like Armstrong’s, online dating is still a stigma to some in the black community.”


She continues on to give a very accurate to online dating:



“If nothing else, online dating allows singles to meet people they otherwise wouldn’t have met, said Armstrong, even if they don’t form an intimate relationship.


‘People can be very judgmental,” she said. “They act like online dating is stooping so low. I see them as the same people who won’t buy anything online — but you get more options when you shop [both] online and at the mall.’”


In other words, Readers: give online dating a chance. Tell us what you think and don’t forget to comment!