No Wedding No Womb: An Open Letter to My One-Year Old Son and All Black Baby Boys Who Will Inevitably Grow Up

Dear Son,

Do you know that you are handsome, brilliant and powerful beyond measure?  My dream for you is that you will grow to possess incontrovertible knowledge of your beauty, intelligence and infinite potential.  I pray that you will come to see your dark skin and your coily crown as the physical manifestations of your ties to the proud and resilient African Diaspora.  Most of all, I hope that you will love yourself and in loving yourself you will love and be good to all others, including black women and girls.

My love, I am writing to you because I’ve felt sickened by the actions of hatred perpetrated by some black men and boys against black women and girls.  The obvious crimes against humanity in Dunbar and Cleveland left me asking whether the male perpetrators were monsters or men.  But this brewing hatred or lack of love for black women also manifests in more subtle and seemingly innocuous ways.  

Certain successful hip hop artists are producing the soundtrack for misogyny as they reduce black women to mere sexual objects despite the fact that they are intimately aware of black women as mothers, sisters, teachers, care-takers, professionals and friends as well as lovers.  Some of black America’s most prominent men in media consistently glorify non-black women and women who look non-black, excluding women with the hues and hair textures of their own mothers from the images they’ve employed to represent beauty.  Meanwhile, it has become almost commonplace for some black men to regard black women as unworthy of what sister Carmen calls “the most basic contemporary sexual decency of wearing a condom” and certainly undeserving of commitment, before God and men, to love and cherish a woman until death.

I am under no illusions.  I sincerely believe the Dunbar black men who brutally gang-raped a 35 year-old black mother, forced her to have sex with her own son, and poured alcohol, nail polish remover, and ammonia on the her to destroy evidence were once lovely giggling babies like you.  The eighteen black teen boys and men who violently gang raped an 11 year-old brown girl in Cleveland once lovingly nestled in their mothers’ bosoms for both nutrients and nurturing.  

The hip hop artists who religiously rap about black women as bitches and hoes deserving nothing but sexual domination were once toddlers and their first words for black women were mama and nana.  The now wealthy media moguls who believe that only mixed-race black women or non-black women deserve to be images of desirability once looked up adoringly at their dark mothers' faces.  Finally, the black men who have five children by five baby mamas but have never once desired to make any of those black women their lawfully wedded wives were once loyal like you.  They cried every weekday morning pleading for their black mothers not to go to work because no nanny or baby sitter’s care could replace their mother’s love.

My darling baby boy, I don’t know what happens in between infancy and adolescence that has caused certain black men who were once loving black baby boys like you to turn against women who look like their own mothers.  I don’t know what childhood occurrence distinguishes those black men from the many black men like your father and uncles who choose to honor and respect all black women and to love, cherish, marry and procreate with only one. Could it be that certain black men are so myopic in vision that their love and loyalty can only extend to women who literally share 50% of the same genes as them?  Could it be that those black men are so short-sighted that they do not see how their own actions feed a culture of hatred, lack of respect and lack of love towards their own mothers, sisters, and daughters.  Could it be that those black men lack such love and respect generally that they have none to give?

I will always love you, respect you, protect you, fight for you and be the biggest fan of your existence.  In my eyes, you are and will always be a magical miracle from the Almighty.  I pray that in truly knowing that you are a miracle you will not feel in any shape or form tempted to prove your self-worth or manhood by harming others, especially women and girls.  I pray that in knowing your own beauty that you will never exclude women who look like you from your images of desirability.  Finally, I pray that in recognizing that you are worthy of being cherished and loved for as long as you live that you will commit to cherishing and loving someone, particularly the woman who bears your child. 

Love,

Mommy

Ama Yawson is an attorney in New York City.  She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and son. She can be contacted at amakyawson@gmail.com.

Monogamy...And You?

Monogamy sure sounds like a four letter word these days, am I right? With the latest celebrity separations and divorces (I’m looking at you, Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez), it’s beginning to seem that way more and more. I mean, come on, it makes you wonder if its really worth being monogamous if it just ends up discarded like a used tissue on the floor. 

 

The word monogamy seems deader than Latin, especially among younger couples. And that is due to a lack of communication these days in relationships. Most of the time one partner says that the two of them have agreed to stay faithful to each other, while their other half claims that no such agreement existed. It’s another case of the he said, she said scenario.

Where we are honest in our intentions and idea of monogamy, most are dishonest in their actions, and, well, we can use the excuse that we’re only human here I suppose—maybe. It begs the question though: do some people need more than one partner in order to be satisfied, or are people, as a whole, just duped into believe that we are supposed to be with only one person?

Love And The Black Woman wants to here your thoughts on the “idea” of monogamy. Do you think it exists, or is it just a lie we’re told about from the moment we start having relationships?

Let your voice be heard, readers!

 

Stepping Into An Open Mind, To Unknown Hearts

“Tamika Miller knows what she wants in a husband.

Her Mr. Right would be ambitious and driven, well-mannered and polite, smart, attractive, faithful and, of course, ready for family life.”

-       Lolly Bowean

Love and The Black Woman readers! You may remember a few weeks ago we had a write up pertaining to how online dating is just not into black people—more notably black women—but according to Lolly Bowean, the times they are a changing!

Yes, I know, being a single black woman carries some staggeringly bleak statistics that can make the most optimistic person shake their head in resignation. Now is not the time to give up. It’s time to adapt.

In the Chicago Tribune’s article African-American Singles Change Their Approach to Dating, Bowean writes, “a different conversation is emerging in the black community. Rather than fixate on the bleak statistics, some have started working to bring singles together in ways once considered taboo by many African-Americans.”

Young men and women are starting to step out of their comfort zones, to the unknown, and trying things a bit differently. One specific means of doing so: the Internet.

Bowen continues, “They are orchestrating matches on Twitter and Facebook. Some are hosting meet-ups and living-room gatherings for black singles to mix and mingle. Others are luring singles into their lounges for candid conversations about how to date and how to find true love.”

By opening up to such outlets in order to meet people, this newly found open-mindedness is allowing them to be honest with their hearts and understand more of what they want in a relationship. And isn’t that all we really want, to be real?

Love and the Black Woman applaud all those willing to try something new in the name of honesty, love, and companionship. Take your chance. Live outside your comfort zone. Love!

The Weigh In, Week 6

For this week’s The Weigh In, I’m taking the topic of last week’s “Love and the Double Standard” and pushing the envelope a little further here. I know all you readers out there are thinking it, and I know I was too, but I was a little hesitant to post it right up. So instead of just dipping my toe in I’m jumping right into the pool!

Tonight I’m posting some select quotes from other blogs and articles that delve into the double standards of sex and even cheating. I know you’ll be tantalized to read even further so make sure to click on the links to read on further on their respective blogs. Also make sure to comment, cause you know how Love and The Black Woman loves to hear what’s on your mind, so shout it out! Let us know your thoughts on love and sex, a man’s ‘vertical cred,’ and your thoughts on cheating!

Evan Marc Katz talks about the double standard men and women have when finding the right time to jump into a sexual relationship, if it’s too quick or not. Here’s what he has to say:

“This question is a popular one because it comes up all the time. However, there’s no answer, no timetable, no magic bullet that is going to let women know that it’s the right time to have sex. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. Which is perfectly fair. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Hold it out like a carrot for a horse and you’re missing the entire point.” – from Dating and The Double Standard.

Obsidian, writer from the online magazine The Spearhead, wags a finger at women saying that men aren’t the only ones engage in double standards. According to Obsidian, women objectify MORE than men:

“This is a fact, easily proofed by the most casual of observations. How? Simple: height. Women make no bones about not wanting to date a man their own or shorter height. Take a quick spin around the Internet; there you will see Women being quite flippant, and others downright adamant, about rejecting out of hand a Man’s lack of vertical cred. Of course, many of these very same Women will call any Man who judges a Woman’s objective beauty scale to be “objectifying” and the like, and notice, have you ever heard Men en masse deny this? Even more to the point, isn’t it true that Men settle much quicker than do Women, all things being equal?”

And finally: the CHEATING double standard. From the The Honestly Speaking Blog:

“The double standard: Why is that when men cheat the woman almost 90% of the time forgives him and takes him back, but even if the man suspects that she has cheated its curtains for her with no return? I have polled the audience and for some reason men are not able to accept their female in the arms of another man. However they are so quick to jump into bed with another woman who is not their girlfriend/wife. Are women just more forgiving? Or are women just more desperate and don't think there is anything better out there than what they have? So as I was talking to my friend I did let him in on a little secret. The secret is the following if a woman has caught her man cheating there is a HIGH chance that she has now welcomed into her life an equivalent. Now women don’t always cheat physically, but even if she’s entertaining a gentleman for dinner and a movie, that is cheating if she is in a relationship.”

Love and The Black Woman urges you to read on and educate yourself more on the subject of double standards in relationship. We loaded up this week’s The Weigh In with beefed up quotes because we want to get you thinking and get you speaking!

 

Hey all you ladies and gents out there! It's Ms. Loveessence coming in to give her two cents worth of input regarding your (potential) man and his job.

Ladies, do you really want to be happy? 

 

When you decide that you really want to be happy, then the next logical question becomes: what will make you happy?

 

Would a guy who has a prestigious career in medicine, law, business, entertainment, or sports necessarily make you happy? I think that answer is a resounding NO.

 

A  man who has money and high social-standing may allow you to enjoy certain luxuries and allow you to feel a certain degree of gratification when you discuss him with others, but those types of experiences are NOT the true sources of happiness.

 

On the other hand, a man who works at Starbucks may provide you with the kind words, emotional support, passionate love-making, patient understanding, intriguing conversations and other experiences that will really enrich your life even more than a padded bank account.

 

It's not the job, ladies. Let's judge a man by the type of love he can give us and not by the title that hangs from his office door, or his name tag.

Love and The Double Standard

"Mocha-what?"

Let’s be real here, there are double standards in relationships that we don't like to admit.  Many people in society applaud a man who dates a gorgeous woman who is "finding herself" while they deride a woman who dates a handsome man who is unemployed.

Recently Love and the Black Woman came across an article at the Very Smart Brothas online magazine, discussing the Clutch Magazine piece “But He Works at Starbucks!”
 I’m sure you can figure out what they’re talking about. It’s a gender-based double standard that creeps into every relationship: your significant other’s J.O.B.

God forbid the man doesn’t hold such a reputable position (in Clutch Magazines example, her new “boo” worked at Starbucks). Once the man revealed his occupation he was written off almost instantly—and more important, unfairly.

Such closed-mindedness can lead to a sinking apprehension when choosing a mate. Sure he’s not working at some high class law firm or advertising agency, rolling in dough, and spending the weekends driving around Beverly Hills in his Bentley, but at least he is engaging in honest work.

Women seem to be preoccupied with a man's occupation, and higher salaried jobs make men suddenly appear sexier. Is this obsession unwarranted?  Does it lead women to miss out on wonderful opportunities of love? Are there 58-year-old cat worshipers who could avoided such a sad fate had they only been more open minded when it comes to occupations?

Men on the other hand, tend to be less concerned with a woman's career. They may focus on features more--albeit shallow--but they don’t shoot down and wield an apprehension towards “Entry-Levelers” (a psuedonym for people who have less “prestigious” positions).

Our view is that the occupation is not that important in the grand scheme of things. If a man or woman treats you well and there is parity in other ways, and understanding, then the love is worth working on, not just brushing it to the side letting it whither.

What we want to know is whether you have you ever stopped yourself from taking that next relationship step because of the job that they hold down. It could be any position, no position, or an illegal hustle. We just want to hear your story of finding or rejecting love based on occupation.

The Weigh In, Week Five

I split this week’s The Weigh In into two parts. One focuses on the medium of Internet dating and the second focuses on the “Digital Segregation.” Read on and make sure to follow the links to read up more on their respective sites.

On “Digital Segregation”:

“But as acceptable as online dating and inter-racial dating have ostensibly become, those looking for love are still sticking with those who look like them. U.S. Census data from 2000 shows that black-white couples make up just 1% of American marriages. Most frequent inter-racial couplings? Black hubby and white wife. And even black subscribers preferred black partners. Although they were ten times as likely to contact whites as whites were to contact blacks, overall, blacks sent online inquiries to people of their own race more often. Why are blacks more willing to take a chance on white folk? Mendelsohn speculates that blacks are simply acting like minority populations of any kind, trying to meld into the dominant structure. One of the best ways to do that, he contends, is through intermarriage.” Bonnie Rochman, from the article Love Isn’t Color Blind: White Online Daters Spurn Blacks, TIME.

In response to TIME’s article, Very Smart Brothas came up with three reasons why online dating really isn’t into black people:

1.Black people just aren’t into online dating either.

2. It’s not about online dating just not being that into black people much as it’s online dating just not being that into the type of black person who’d make this decision.

3. The type of people (black and other) interested in virtual dating and in actually meeting black people might not be found on the sites cited by these studies.

On Internet dating as a whole, Askpapi from Hello Beautiful muses about signing up for dating sites believing he shouldn’t leave his dating life in the hands of a mouse and keyboard:

“While I did make fun of my friend, I do acknowledge that finding a good woman isn’t as easy as many of you may think. I’m sure it isn’t as hard as you women have finding a good man, but it isn’t a walk in the park for us either. So, I guess none of you should be surprised if you ever see me write about how I joined Match.com. It may not be now, but it could possibly happen in the future. But it will only happen if I’m exhausted of the dating scene. I can say I’m not far from reaching that point, but I’m 100 percent sure I’m also not ready to leave my dating life to a 15-inch screen, a keyboard, and a mouse.”


Watch this video by Pinnk from Women Dating Black Men. Is his expounding just empty rhetoric or does he have a point about online dating and black women?

In defense of online dating, check out Amanda VanAllen’s Black Women Turn To Online Dating To Find Love (NYU Livewire).


Here she writes about Philadelphia Daily News columnist’s Jenice Armstrong’s experience with online dating, which garnered great results:



“Within a month of returning to Match.com, she received a message from Cameron Turner. He seemed to fit her criteria of a guy who could “teach a child to read one day and go scuba diving the next.”


“He just stood out,” Armstrong said. “I knew. I just knew. I mean, who goes online, puts up a profile and finds the perfect guy? We are coming up on five years now, and I still gush when I see him.”


He proposed in front of the statue of David while they were on an Italian vacation less than a year later.


She believes they only could have met online: they were unlikely to cross paths, since she lived in Philadelphia, and he in New Jersey.


“My husband does not go out to nightclubs or parties,” Armstrong said. “He’s the kind of guy who goes home and cuts his grass. I never would have met him otherwise.”


Although there are plenty of stories like Armstrong’s, online dating is still a stigma to some in the black community.”


She continues on to give a very accurate to online dating:



“If nothing else, online dating allows singles to meet people they otherwise wouldn’t have met, said Armstrong, even if they don’t form an intimate relationship.


‘People can be very judgmental,” she said. “They act like online dating is stooping so low. I see them as the same people who won’t buy anything online — but you get more options when you shop [both] online and at the mall.’”


In other words, Readers: give online dating a chance. Tell us what you think and don’t forget to comment!

Is Online Dating Into You?

Lets not beat around the bush here - we all know that there are stigmas that come with the idea of it: "Only losers do that," "How desperate are you?" "Are you nuts? You don't know who you're meeting. He/She could be some psycho!" Truth is, and what most of the country is starting to realize, you could meet a psycho in real life at a bar, a bookstore, a laundromat, etc., and that regular nice people go online looking for genuine relationships. Most of my friends use dating sites. Hell, even I've tried it a couple of times just to see what's out there!

But that's not my issue.

This past February I read a Time Magazine article which asserted that black men and women are among the least desirable prospects  on the Internet dating scene. Most “mainstream” dating sites have a majority of white users and most of those white users were only open to members of the same race.  Worst yet, even the people who said that they were indifferent to race failed to initiate contact with or respond to members of the opposite sex who were black.  Apparently,   racial open-mindedness sometimes stops short with respect to dating, and cyberspace is no different. This has made many people come to the conclusion that "online dating's just not into black people."

But I think that this conclusion may be wrong.  There is a major flaw in these studies that were conducted by OK Cupid and UC Berkley: they used “mainstream” dating sites like OK Cupid and Match.com.  It does not seem as if they studied more targeted dating sites that particularly market themselves to black people and people who are romantically interested in black people!I believe that if they were to study sites that were created with black people in mind, the conclusion would be very different.

 

What Love and the Black Woman wants to know is whether you are open to finding love online and if so, whether you have felt that the people on sites that you have visited have been open to love from you?  Is online dating into you? . Don’t be shy, Love and the Black Woman wants to hear your voice!

The Weigh In, Week Four

Where's your ring, Ashley Cole?

"For this week's The Weigh In we take a look back at last weeks article, "That 'Pesky' Wedding Band And Your Man." Read on and comment, and make sure to visit our highlighted authors blog/online magazine sites!

"But men who choose to go bandless insist they are doing it for a more innocuous reason than adulterous intentions: an unwillingness to be publicly defined by their marital state. They want to be seen as people before they are seen as married, which presumes that one cannot be both." - Amy Sohn, from the article Men Don't Wear Their Wedding Rings, New York Magazine.

"One of my friend’s husband lost his ring during Superbowl Weekend and she was livid. She let him slide a few months without wearing it but it really took a toll on her emotions. In her mind it was an excuse for him to attract more women. However, his mindset was that he doesn’t act like he’s NOT married but there are men who wear rings and still act like they aren’t married. Moral of the story, women feel some sort of security when he’s wearing the ring when some men just feel like it’s just a piece of jewelry." - Necole Bitchie, from the article Is It A Big Deal If He Doesn't Wear His Ring?, Necole Bitchie: Bitchie Life.

"I feel in society the “ring” has more of significance to a woman then a man. Women have aspirations of a beautiful ring and put a lot more thought than men do into the type of ring they want. Perhaps if there was a mutual feeling with this then it might be different. Also, some men don’t like rings in general.

Lastly, my question to you is this: Is it the ring that makes the marriage or is it the actual communion between the two people that make it?" - Ask A Black Man, from the article Why Don't A lot of Married Men Wear Wedding Rings?, The Urban Daily.

Maybe there is a clueless man out there after all. Kevin Barney muses about his naked ring finger: 

"I was pretty clueless about the role a wedding ring plays as a social cue that someone is married. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but that just never occurred to me. The first time I realized that might be an issue was when I was clerking at a law firm after my second year of law school, and apparently the other clerk, a woman, was crushin’ on me a little bit, just assuming that I wasn’t married since I didn’t wear a ring. When she asked me out and found out I was married, she told me I really ought to wear a ring." - Kevin Barney, from On Not Wearing A Wedding Ring, Common Consent, A Mormon Blog.

Divine Caroline lists top ten excuses on her site DivineCaroline where she writes "life in your words." Here she takes a comical approach about men, AND women, who wear too much jewelry to begin with:

"'Over-Gold': Junebug died because of his weakness to gold chains and lots of folks see I’m Gonna Git You Sucka as a cautionary tale. Some men and women just don’t have room on their hands to put an extra ring. The Mafia don can’t stand the sound of his pinkie ring tinking against his wedding band, the winner of the 1992 Cotton Bowl doesn’t want to dishonor his buddies by taking off his jewelry and Sasha Fierce is not removing that full-hand ring for nothing, no way, no how."

Like what you read? Then leave your comments believe. We want to hear your voices loud and clear!

That 'Pesky' Wedding Band And Your Man

I'm just gonna jump right in and ask, "Men, why is it so hard to go out of the house without your wedding ring on?" I mean, come on, I've heard all these lame excuses why you don't:

1. "I don't like wearing jewelery. It makes me feel like less of a man," as I watch him file his nails.
2. "I can't wear it around the gym. I may lose it when I'm benching those 300lb weights," he says as he flexes.
3. "Baby, come on -- you know I'm allergic to precious metals. It itches too much." Yea? They DO offer wedding rings made with metals for those who ARE allergic.
4. "It doesn't fit. I think the metal shrunk," he says between bites of that foot long SUBWAY sub (his second of the day).

And my favorite...

5. "I won't be taken seriously if I have it on. You get stereotyped when people see you're married." Stereotyped, really? So being considered a happily married, loyal husband is a terrible thing? Right.

Men aren’t dumb, and we aren’t either, ladies, and not wearing your wedding band says one thing: SINGLE. The Naked Finger speaks volumes on many levels, and these half-assed excuses tell it all.

I’m not saying that men are the only party guilty in this scenario. Women love the attention they get too, without and WITH a wedding ring. Some can argue that a wedding ring is moot, because there are some dogs and huntresses out there that could give a rats behind whether or not you have that ring on—but then again, its all relative.

Last Friday, April Fools Day, it was reported that Prince William will be breaking tradition (from the get-go) and will forgo wearing a wedding band. His future wife, Kate Middleton, will. This was not a joke.

Ladies, I’m asking you, would you rather it be stated in the beginning that the wedding band would not be worn, just so you can stop all these “excuses”?

Also, let’s hear some of the excuses that you heard from your man as to why who won’t wear his wrong.

Love and the Black Woman wants to know!

The Weigh In, Week Three

Week three’s The Weigh In finds us checking out five quotes regarding last week’s article Women Proposing, Good Idea of Recipe For Disaster? Click on the links following the quotes to read more!

“Will You Be My ... Husband?" Today, women are twisting traditional gender roles more than ever, whether they're running for the presidential nomination, competing in a male-dominated professional golf tournament, hitting the open-wheel racing circuit, or heading a Fortune 500(TM) company. As women take on larger leadership roles in the workplace and in society, it's only natural that they've begun to assume these roles in the realm of romance, as well. This "role reversal" trend is not only evident in the number of women proposing, but in society's willingness to accept this shift, as six out of ten Americans (59 percent) do not think that men should always be the ones to propose.” – Anonymous, from the article Men Off The Hook When It Comes to Popping The Question, Lovetripper. 

“Men love it when women make the first move but they're always saying we don't do enough of it. By asking him to marry you, you are taking the reigns and the heat off of him. Not only does this make him happy, it also shows you to be a modern and unconventional woman which will ease any expectations of you as the traditional chef cooking, bottle-washing superwife.” – Eva Hogan, from the article Should You Propose To Your Man? The Pros and Cons of Taking Marriage Proposal Into Your Own Hands, Wedding Photography Directory.

Writer Streets, from Nicole Bitchie’s blog Bitchie Life, and Marie, That Bad Bitch Blog, disagree and say that women have no place in proposing to men:

“Asking a woman to marry you is one of the penultimate moments in a man’s life. Society, family, and even an inherent instinct tells us that this is a man’s time to take charge, express his feelings for his significant other and declare that this is the moment he wants to make clear that it’s her and him forever. Asking the parent’s for permission, finding the engagement ring (unless you’re against diamonds), and planning the proposal, are nervous and anxious, but fulfilling tasks that men know they will accomplish someday. This whole experience is built for the men to propose to the women, which is why the process loses impact if a woman proposes to a man.” – Streetz, Discussion: Should Women Propose to Men, Nicole Bitchie: Bitchie Life.

“A few women were talking and giving their friend advice on how to propose to her man. Apparently the man was taking too long and the woman felt like her biological clock was on snooze like every 5 minutes. So one lady advised her to go ahead and propose. Now, I don’t know about you, but I feel that if a man wants to marry you, he will propose. If he doesn’t, there is nothing you can do to get him to propose. Going on one knee for your man just adds unnecessary pressure on him and sometimes, makes you look desperate. After all, will you go ask his mother for his hand in marriage?” – Marie, Should Women Propose to Men, That Bad Bitch.

Make sure to comment both in The Weigh In and its corresponding article! Love and the Black Woman wants to hear your voice!

Women Proposing to Men, Good Idea or Recipe for Disaster?

 

 New trends in 2011 relationships include the emergence of the "Assertive Woman," the woman who does not have to wait for her man to make the first move. The “Assertive Woman” refuses to remain idle as the man that she likes walks right past her.  Instead, the “Assertive Woman” will ask that love interest out on a first date.

This same fearless spirit can also apply to marriage proposals.  We all know or have heard of couples who have been dating for years, or even decades, without tying the knot.  Sometimes a girlfriend’s acts of subtly reading wedding magazines and commenting about other people getting married do not inspire a “commitaphobe” man to act.  2011's "Assertive Woman" is taking matters into her own hands, shattering tradition and getting down on one knee. You might be saying to yourself, "Lord, is that true? I could never imagine taking over the man's role in a relationship." My answer to you?  Yes it is, and it is becoming more and more common practice for the woman to slide an engagement ring (or, according to Fox News, a "management" ring) onto her significant other's finger.

Women have such prominent roles in government, television, business, etc., why not in the relationship when it comes to commitment decision-making?

Do you think that this act taints the idea of proposals by having the woman play the role of man? In your current relationship, has it crossed your mind to be assertive and propose?

Even further, do you believe that a woman who proposes is setting herself up for an unhappy marriage?

Love and the Black Woman wants to know what you think.  Your comments are appreciated.

  

Ms. Loveessence Weighs: Let's Celebrate, Not Denigrate

Ms. Loveessence is here to share her opinion and to give us her hard dose of reality! Here's what she had to say about the big booty craze:

Hey, all! Ms. Loveessence here to let you know what's on my mind!

Yes the big booty craze has gone to far!  For centuries,  black women in the United States of America have been made to feel inferior for their wide hips and protruding buttox.  I'm all for reversing this trend by affirming that beauty can come in all forms. Indeed, we should celebrate the tall lean figure of Alek Wek,the slim but voluptuous figure of Beyonce, and the busty and petite frame of Sherri Shepherd. 

But in my view, music videos that parade scantily clad women shaking rotund rumps to the delight of alpha male rappers commanding them to "drop it like its hot" or show them what "their working wit" do not constitute healthy celebrations of diverse body types. For young impressionable black women, such ideals of female beauty can seem just as unattainable as the images of rail thin blonde blue-eyed models on the pages of Vogue.  Some of these impressionable black women will attempt illegal butt pumping just as others turn to skin bleaching products and colored contacts.  

The situation is sickening. But there is good news.  We are not powerless. Every time that we turn on BET, go to YouTube, or download music we make choices about what stays on air. We should support artists and music videos that support us and our conceptions of black women as beautiful and brilliant multi-faceted people who are worthy of love and admiration, not just sexual objectification.

 

I think that the following R&B video is beautifully sensual and celebrates the black body in a respectful way.  This is what we might want to support.

Like what Ms. Loveessence had to say? Sound off in our comments section. We love hearing all your opinions whether you agree or disagree!

The Weigh In, Week Two

This week's installment of The Weigh In follows up on our article Affirmation or Denigration, Has The Big Booty Craze Gone Too Far? Make sure to click on the links to read more!

"Now a days, it is difficult to turn on MTV or BET without seeing an oiled up butt gyrating on your big screen.  This is predominantly a trend in Hip Hop and Rap music.  Some would argue that this simply a physical expression of exactly what happens in the clubs or at the parties. This is what happens and this is what girls wear, so what is the big deal about having some girls showing off their dance skills when it’s a dance song?  On the other hand, others would argue that this exaggerated and overtly sensual image of women does nothing more than objectify and degrade them in the eyes of very impressionable young viewers." - Unnamed, from the article Hip-Hop Honeys: Object or Goddess, WATTUP. I BLOG. N SHIT.


"During the production of a documentary for BET, which focused on sex and hip-hop, I interviewed a panel of high school students. One of those students, a 15-year-old girl, stated that she was not satisfied with how she looked because she wanted to be like the girls in the videos. After all, the boys want to be with girls in the videos. One of the young men followed up by saying that the girls in the videos were cool to sleep with, but not to take home. In that very brief snippet of conversation, we get a sense of the negative impact that these sexist and misogynistic images have on hip-hop's biggest fans." - Jeff Johnson, from the article 'Cousin Jeff': Don't Blame Hip-Hop for Society's Sexism, 


"It seems all women are represented as sex objects and are used in the videos to purely sell the product. Alongside the suggestive videos are the abuse song lyrics that usually suggest that women are only good for one thing, and we all know what that is! [...] This may all seem harmless on the surface; however do you not think that this may have some influence on the younger generation?" - Lily Bond, from the article Objectification of Women, Bond's Blog.


“Girls do what they see in videos,” a black, pre-teen girl said in the film. “If I can get skinny, dress, and dance like that, I can be in videos too. Hip hop influences the way these young women perceive themselves and their importance in relationships.The negative image of women in these videos has got to do something to their self-esteem."- Tamika Guishard, from the article Feminists Call For Hip-Hop Reform, The University of Chicago Magazine.


Don't forget to comment on this week's subject, both in The Weigh In and our original post! Love and the Black Woman wants to hear all your opinions!

Affirmation or Denigration, Has the Big Booty Craze Gone Too Far?

Victim Claudia Aderotimi

The objectification of women in hip-hop videos has lead to societal pressures to "enhance," or surgically alter, a woman's appearance---sometimes leading to deadly consequences.

Dancer and aspiring rapper Claudia Aderotimi believed that a bigger 'booty' would help her land more hip hop music video gigs. Believing this would put her on the fast track to her dreams, Claudia left the UK for Philadelphia, USA to undergo her second round of illegal butt enhancement shots that would hours later prove to be fatal. 


Instead of the medical silicone (used for breast implants), industrial silicone (used for caulking bathroom tubs and tile) was injected into her backside. Shortly after the procedure, she developed intense chest pains and struggled for breath. Doctors confirmed that the silicone filling had leaked into Aderotimi's blood stream causing heart failure.  Sadly Ms.Aderotimi was not the first, and we fear she may not be the last person to die for the sake of bigger bottom.


We have all seen the music videos filled with the popping, shaking, jiggling, pumping and jumping that only the finest of behinds could champion. Celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and Nicki Minaj  are just a few of the women with glorified derrieres that have taken the world by storm and while we like big butts and we cannot lie, we wonder if perhaps things have gone too far?

Have we gone to the other extreme? Have we met the same cruel objectification that Sara Baartman, aka the Hottentot Venus, faced on what we thought would be the other/opposite side of the spectrum? For those of you who do not know, Sara was taken from Southern Africa and placed on exhibition, naked and in a cage, throughout France and England for over 5 years. She was paraded as a freak much like a bearded lady of some circus sideshow all because an English ship surgeon wished to publicly display her large buttocks. Sara's "booty" was no symbol of beauty in fact it was the opposite, a symbol of racial inferiority and primitive sexuality. 

One would like to think that once Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" won a grammy in 1993, that black women were finally "moving on up"  because our body type was being affirmed.  But in the light of Claudia Aderotimi's death, that same person might question where exactly have we moved to.

What Love and the Black Woman wants to know is how do you feel about these, sometimes deadly, lengths women are willing to go in order to seem more desirable and attractive. Is the voluptuous black woman's body in hip-hop an affirmation or denigration. Please tell us your thoughts, and DON'T hold back.

The Weigh In From Ms. Loveessence

Ms. Loveessence is a friend of mine who will occasionally drop in and post on Love and the Black Woman whenever she feels the need to sound off and bring us unadulterated truth and reality. Here's what Ms. Loveessence had to say:

Hey All! It's Ms. Loveessence here to comment on last weeks blog post on interracial dating and marriage!

There are millions of single beautiful, brilliant, and caring black men who would make excellent life partners.

I disagree that black women should open their minds interracially because of a perceived dearth of good black men.  Good black men are out there!!!!

Black women should be open to dating interracially because finding love, a love that is genuine and meets one's expectations, can be challenging and we shouldn't be frightened off because of it. We don't need to make that quest more challenging by imposing racial requirements.
 
Sisters, there are wonderful men of all races who may be able to provide you with the type of love that you have always dreamed of, if you are open to them.

Ms. Loveessence brings up a good point: that the challenge of finding good black men (YES, they do exist!) can be daunting but you should not give up on that search, nor neglect the other races around you that can give you the love that you crave. Love is out there and for the taking. It's just up to you to open your mind and your heart.

The Weigh In, Week 1

Here are five key quotes from blogs that have written articles on the same issues of interracial dating and marriage that Love and the Black Woman touched on last week. Click on the links provided after the quote to read on.

"Let's get creative and find ways to interact with other ethnicities while still preserving and sharing our own individual cultures." - Sarah Rafique, from the article Interracial Society Versus the Preservation of Culture, Sarah Rafique (n):.

"Unlike the girls in 'Hairspray,' it seems that many black women would prefer to be single than to become a 'checkerboard chick.'" - Marina Adshade, from the article Why There Aren't More Interracial Couples,  Big Think

"By insisting that any white man she dates be a 'Tim Wise', she can deflect any accusations that she has 'sold out' by dating/marrying white, “forgot where she came from” and all the other nonsensical foolishness sometimes hurled at IR married black women." - Unnamed, from the article Waiting For Superman, On My Mind.

"My observation has been that black men are not trying to carry the entire survival of the black race on their backs. However, some of us ladies are still beating that drum. I’m specifically speaking to women who are not exercising all of their dating/mating options and NOT to those who have moved past this point in their life’s journey." - Miss Pinky, from the article Racial Loyalty - Truth or Fiction?, Black Girls Rock It!

"Due to increasing interracial marriages, multiracial Americans are a small but fast-growing demographic group, making up about 5 percent of the minority population. Together with blacks, Hispanics and Asians, the Census Bureau estimates they collectively will represent a majority of the U.S. population by mid-century. Still, many multiracial people — particularly those who are part black — shun a “multi” label in favor of identifying as a single race." - Hope Yen, from the article Melting Pot? Interracial Marriages Growing at a Slow Pace, Orlando Sentinel Blog.

Post your thoughts in the comments section. Love and the Black Woman wants to hear what you think about these fabulous blogs' opinions!

Should Black Women Consider Dating and Marrying Inter-Racially?

"Karyn Langhorne Folan, author of "Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions That Keep Black Women From Dating Out," encourages single black women to date and marry inter-racially.

Many social commentators have observed that it's hard for a young, educated black woman to find a black man with the same educational level to marry because pickings are slim. Karyn Langhorne Folan notes that black women are just waiting. Waiting for that "good" black man to come and sweep them off their feet. The problem is, for many, that hasn't happened yet.   Langhorne Folan is not saying there are no good black men out there, she is just simply saying to explore all the options that are offered. It's a solution to consider entering 2011 and beyond.

But is this sound advice?  The stigmas that come with dating outside one’s race can bring emotional and social strife. Instances where women have been called "sellouts," or white-acting, are discussed in the article "Single Women Being Urged to Date Outside Their Race".

Love and the Black Woman would like to hear your thoughts.

Should black women stick to dating their own race, or should they branch out and explore? Should racial loyalty have precedence over self-preservation? 

Do you personally feel that racial loyalties in dating and marriage should be encouraged, or do you believe that it is best to explore those *other* possibilities out there?